Communication is key, but do we use it?
Photo by Mohau Mannathoko on Unsplash
Hey there! Gather round because today we are talking about communication. It’s a word that we may hear all the time, to the point that it may have lost its meaning. It’s a very important concept and if you really think about it, communication (or lack thereof) plays a really big role in how healthy or unhealthy our relationships are.
As a therapist, I am often struck by how many people I have met that struggle to express their feelings, wants, and needs to those they are in relationship with. And I am not just talking about romances. Friendships and family relationships often struggle when there is a lack of communication. Without us telling people what we need, people are left to make guesses or default to what THEY think is the best way to be in the relationship. And that’s just a set up for everyone to feel unfulfilled in the situation.
Breakups, makeups, marriages, divorces, friendships ending or beginning, positive parent-child relationships: it’s all about connection and communication. What you say or don’t say can sometimes be equally as important to how well your relationships turn out.
But why is communication so hard?
Communication is tough because many times, we view people the way we view ourselves. We tend to make assumptions about how people will react to what we share based on how WE might react if someone said that to us. This is not a bad or wrong assumption at all. It may help you decide whether something is worth sharing at all. But when making decisions about this, focus your energy on HOW you are going to say something, rather than WHAT you say. Think about it, doctors deliver difficult information often to people they barely know, but what we often reflect on is how they told us the news. That’s what we remember and what helps us to feel like they have compassion. So consider these things:
Holding back on your true feelings creates more stress for you and prevents the relationship you really want from growing. You can’t really be mad at someone for not reading your mind and just knowing automatically why you may be hurt, upset, or unfulfilled in your relationship. The stress of unhealthy relationships can affect your emotional and physical health. Remember- stress is not just a feeling- it actually results in changes in your body’s chemistry that causes inflammation. Inflammation is linked to a number of preventable health conditions that can become chronic. Life is stressful enough without having stress in your relationships.
Silence is golden, but it has consequences. Choosing to not share or to shut down any and all verbal communication is actually a way of communicating. Silence speaks volumes and if that’s your method of avoiding the tough conversations with your friend or family member, just know that it may have unintended consequences. People cannot adjust their behavior if they have no reason to believe they’ve done anything wrong or offensive.
Use alternative strategies for communicating your feelings. Writing a letter, creating a list, or setting ground rules for conversations may help make sure that you get all of your points across in a tough discussion. In the heat of a moment, sometimes we get distracted and forget to share all of our feelings. Writing things down or setting ground rules can help you to feel more comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.
Try to remember that timing and tone means a lot. Bringing up something that happened many years or months ago may not land well for reasons I’m sure you can guess. And if you share your feelings in an aggressive way, that can also result in an unproductive conversation and leave you feeling like you shouldn’t have said anything. So just keep in mind that it’s best to discuss things as close to when they happen as possible, but not when you are angry or in the heat of an emotion.
Speak your truth, respectfully, and be okay if you are not understood. In the end, everyone may not be on the same page. But the point is that the more you practice being transparent, the better you will become at it. You deserve to have relationships that give you as much as you put in.
As we are approaching the end of 2020, try to start reflecting on relationships that you have and whether it’s time to make a shift in how you’ve been communicating (or not), versus how you’d like to communicate going forward.
Remember, communication is critical to healthy relationships of any type and it’s a skill set you can grow that can help to support your wellness in those relationships. So let’s continue to do the work to get and stay well…together.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
